An attempt to be real

I caught my self looking at the pictures on the walls of my church. They were put up during the celebration of the 8th anniversary of the church and have been hanging there for over 2 years now. Familiar faces, familiar smiles. The walls seemed to have etched memories of these wonderful people! The church stood strong on their sacrifices and love. Pillars or faith and prayers one can say. But one can wonder what else do these walls hold beneath all the photos of laughter and joy? 

Earlier this week, I had a conversation with a friend who decided that it was time to move from the church, have a fresh start he said. He then texted me, a person who's been a part of this church for 13 years - "Stay strong, You have a long way to go ahead of you". This arose in me a storm of emotions I did not know existed. It felt like a child jumped into a still puddle and all the settled mud suddenly splattered all over. I remembered how I watched, the church grow, separate itself, plant more churches as a part of growing His Kingdom. Under the surface of this "work of the Kingdom attitude" were hurt hearts, worn out souls then those of us who are still hanging by the thread waiting for it to let lose because we do not have the heart to let go. How can we? Are we not called to serve Him who gave His life for us?

 
I remembered the days I walked into the church with happiness to be a part of family that I had never seen before, so free spirited, so joyous, I loved spending my time there. They became MY family, a part of me. I remembered learning to bake, learning to ride a bike, I remembered it all and then I remembered them leave.
One after the other they left. The closest to my heart, my parents, my younger sisters, my elder brothers, one by one they left and each one of them, very lovingly and truly, in their pain said, "Be strong", " Stay, my dear, they need you here" " Hold down the fort, they need you here". After a few years, the time for separation came again, Yet another family had to leave in search of Gods plan in their lives, but this time I forgot to feel, my heart ignored the pain. That Dear Pastor who I consider as an elder brother said, "If we knew where we were going, we would take you with us". I did not value these words- how could I? i did not feel anything, my heart had grown numb to the routine of people leaving.

As all these thoughts flood my mind now, I wonder , were those words true? In their pain of leaving their family, did they hope to take us with them? In their pain were they being true to themselves? Is it worse for the one who leaves or the one who is left behind?

I circle back to the conversation with my friend, with so many emotions and thoughts in my mind, i reply back to the text- Thanks, I'm praying for you too.
What I wanted and should have said was, we will miss you. These walls will miss you! Don't go. Stay! We need you.

Do I want to stop Gods plan for him by saying this? No I merely wish to bare my heart open to feel pain again. 
Why is it that we are unable to say what our hearts want? Is it the fear of being misunderstood? Are our emotions so shoved down that we decide its better not to feel what God has rightly asked us to feel? Is there a danger in being void of feelings? Do I take pride in being able to control my emotions at the risk of not feeling at all? Do we hide our humanity behind spirituality? 

I look back and realize, if I don't let my self feel, I'm not broken, if I'm not broken I'm not close to God. Doesn't the scripture say God is close to a contrite and broken heart? Sometimes I feel so lost i cant find my way back. What if I lost my way because I stopped being honest with God? Maybe i refused to share my grief of losing people for His work that I slowly drifted away from Him? What if my way back is in my tears, it is to scream and tell the people who left, I am hurt, I am alone. Does maturity steal the need to cry? Why not cry to God as David did?

In the movie Pilgrims Progress, a character, Evangelist says   "Don't wipe away your tears, see through them. Sometimes tears have a way of bringing back clarity"
Do we always need to ask people to be strong? Don't we value the need for brokenness? 

I'm reminded of the sermon on the mount. Our Lord said blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the meek, blessed are the pure- Aren't these characters that bloom out of suffering and a crushed spirit? The Lord does ask us to be brave and courageous repeatedly, But does that mean we stop our emotions even before they surface?

As I cried to my Father about all those moments of being left alone to fend for myself, I found myself writing down these words

Dear heart, why are you afraid? Has He not promised to love you?

Dear heart, why do you wander? Is His comfort not sufficient for you?

Dear heart, what do you seek that you do not find in Him?

Has He not defended you? Has He not lifted up your ashamed head? Has He not given you the honor of wiping His feet with you disgraced hair?
Dear heart, why do you seek validation? Has not the creator of the universe formed you skillfully?
Dear heart, why do you fear tomorrow? Have your days not been written in His book?
Dear heart, why do you seek another? Has His love ever lacked you in anything?
Do you not trust your master, your friend, your lover, your brother, your father, your defender?

I write this hoping to decode my mind from the myriad of thoughts, to untangle my hurts, to be real again, to come to the freedom of a simple, clean heart in front of my Father. 
I pray that Dear friend, as you read this, that you may never forget to feel, to be real and honest. 

So my Dear, in all the tears that you shed, May grace help you find your way back home.