Falling in Love- Yea or Nay?

"I've never felt that helpless in my life" he said. A friend was sharing his experience of going through a kidney stone surgery. He spoke about this irritable episode of having to use a catheter during his hospitalization. His exact words were "I had a tube up my manhood". I giggled at his usage of words, but I found my mind lingering at his previous statement "I've never felt that helpless". I imagined being so sick you would have to depend on someone for even for your basic needs.

I suddenly remembered being this helpless. It was not a physical affliction, It was an emotional one. A broken spirit, who can bear? I remembered being 18, stupid and in love or at least I thought it was love. Flashbacks played in my mind of when I met him, to when we broke the relationship and how within a day, from having someone as my whole world, I came to having no one by my side. You might think, seriously? When you're 18 it's not love, its just being high on emotions. I agree, it was immature but the lessons I learnt, seemed to have grown roots.

To walk you through that part of my story and state the obvious, I dated a guy in college. The relationship began with us being friends and enjoying each others company to then being so used to each other that when he asked me out, out of the fear of losing a friend I said yes. I didn't love him. What does love mean anyway? I didn't have any feelings of affection- just the feeling of familiarity and habituality - you know, when you're so used to someone around you. Looking back now, I'm very sure we were never compatibility as a couple. But again the fear of losing something, drives you to do unreasonable things. We spent all our waking time in college together. Tea break, lunch break, 5 minute break, 2 minute break, any break you name it, we were together. It was amusing to be in a relationship and have everyone's appreciative glance on what a cute couple we were- The Jock and The smart girl, your typical high school romance. Apart from how we looked on the outside, on the inside I wasn't happy. From being a person with a 100 friends my life started revolving around one person. I did not have time for others. Somehow everything became about him. I wouldn't want to go into the details of it, but what i want to share, is the story of the when we decided to break it off. I remember that one day, when i came to college after we decided to split, I didn't know where to go, Who i should hang out with, How do I walk the corridors alone?  I sat on my desk trying to fight back tears. My world suddenly collapsed, I felt i did not belong anywhere. So much so, within the 3 hours, I threw my pride away, went to his classroom and cried. I said don't talk to me, but sit next to me. 

I remember thinking- how can i lean on the one person who hurt me? Do i have no dignity? During that time, in my hurt, I had no one else to lean on except the one who hurt me. I hated the idea of being so helpless, of my uncontrolled emotions, and being dependent. The feeling of being so helpless was so loud, that I decided to never fall in love again.

Time passed, I started to question my self, why is is that when we love we lose control of our emotions? Why do emotions make you so unbalanced and unrealistic. Love, its all rosy and wild- Is it though? Once your mind is caught in the trap of emotions and whirlwind of romance, there is no sensibility left. I read these lines somewhere " You must forgive a man in love, for he is fool" It's so true. When you fall in love, When you're emotionally attached to someone, you do not see reason. You do not see clearly, you think everything's coming up roses! Ugh- feelings. There is nothing practical about falling in love. My brother once wisely said, "Feelings- don't trust them". 

The idea of letting my emotions dance around is not an option I gave myself. I detested the idea of falling in love, let me rephrase, i detested the idea of my emotions taking control of me. Moreover, the idea that one person encompasses you, inside and out is just something I could not accept. What happens when that one person looks away? When that one person sniffs in the wrong direction? I'm not ready to let someone have so much power over me. So as usually, I took my shovel and bricks and build a wall against love. I decided, that I would walk around the wall, show love, build relationships whole heartedly, but I would not let anyone come behind that wall. 

Its perfect isn't it? You do your part of showing love to others as you must, people need you, but you also have your emotions under control so that no one can hurt you. Don't get attached- simple!! It worked well for a long time, until people around me started complaining. My friends came up to me and said "Its not mutual, Al. Its one way" So i replied " Why should it be mutual, I do everything for you. I'll feed you, wipe your feet, what do you want? I'll do it" But they answered "You don't let us serve you, You don't let us help you". 

I wondered if it was possible to let them in and still keep control of my life and emotions. Why should I? What if they dilly dally with my emotions? It would mean I could expose my chance of being helpless again. Like my friend said - I do not ever want to be that helpless! Could I not wire myself that i would never break down? What's the way around?

At this point, I feel grateful for my lovely friends  who did not give up on me. I remember sharing these ideas as jokes, and someone said to me "You will become a porcelain doll if you refuse to be hurt, and then you will shatter. That's not something you can recover from, You're human, Pain is inevitable." I replied "No. I'll be superwoman with an iron heart" She said " Even iron man had a heart" "Proof that tony stark had a heart". I laughed when I heard this and I wondered, if I was being all wrong about this.

My friends confronted me,  how will you deal with marriage? You have to be open and give your all to him, you will not be able to hide then. My reply was still the same, what's to deal with? I'll serve, I'll cook, I'll handle it all, but I wont let him have a hold over my emotions. But it doesn't work that way they reminded me. I've watched my mum, a strong headed woman, who can scare the crap out of anyone- be hurt and shattered by something little my dad would do. She wouldn't go shopping without my dad. This used to irritate me so much! Why? Why revolve everything around one person! My friend who shared similar views of not wanting to make all her life about someone, got married a year back. I stayed a night with her a week back and she could, and would not stop talking about her husband! I looked at her and said, "Really? You too?" 

So I start questioning myself- Can I make a commandment out of stone because few people hurt me? It wasn't really the person, rather the feeling of being helpless, of being weak! Do I lose the chance of real relationships because of fear? Stop trying even before it starts? Can real relationships exist with an iron heart? What does it mean to truly love?

CS lewis said “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

It felt like he knew the state of my heart- unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. I find myself today at the crossroads of my life, waiting for my special someone. My partner in crime, the person I would spend my entire life with. But I ask myself, when he does come, will I let him sweep me off my feet or  Would I be so emotionally in control that words would be weighed before spoken? Would I be able to feel light headed and dizzy knowing he's around me? Would I let him woo me or would I  interrogate him?  Does it mean we remain impractical and jump into someone's arm without counting the costs? Don't we need to check if our interests and plans to serve God are the same? Would we give our hearts away in the fear of being alone? Maybe in the view of protecting myself from being hurt, I've completed closed the idea to feeling love. In the need to be practical, I could lose God's flow in entwining two hearts. How can i wait for someone, when I'm not really ready to give him my all. I wouldn't do him justice.

I remember our pastor once shared about Christians being living sacrifices. He said the Lamb of God is freshly slain everyday. Everyday, not just once in the past, Everyday! He said, be willing and open to be abused, hurt and spit on everyday. Cry at the end of the day and start it all over again. And I remember thinking "No way, God. I cant do that" There's no way I would let someone play God over me. But then again, isn't that what it means to love the people around you. Be it, in a family, with your siblings or even your spouse. Keep trying until death do you apart. Christ loves his church, even when she constantly and unceasingly runs away! I pray sometimes Lord, just bind my heart, I'd rather be a robot than hurt you. But apparently, He wants the love that is able to feel pain. He does not give up, neither does He push you away. He lets him self be hurt everyday and still comes back to be gracious and kind. Israel's journey through the wilderness, The story of Hosea, The cross, these are proof of His relentless love. True love!

As I mull over all this, I write this note to my better half, wherever you are-
My love, God is trying to change me to be open to love. While He prepares my heart, I pray He would prepare yours to be gentle with mine. I pray, He would teach me to be vulnerable in our marriage and I pray He teaches you the same. That you would love me, because Christ first loved you. And that I would love you because He first loved me.